Ahhh, Bushyland, where the sky is always blue, the grass always green. The beer’s crisp, and the food filling.
Got a chance to visit this divine kingdom, ruled by my husband, the sweet and wonderful, wise and ingenuous Bushy-Bear. There I was, frolicking in the quiet pools with Sir Murphalot, He of the “I No Longer Eat Frozen Poop Anymore Because When I Do, Mom Shakes a Can That’s Full of Pennies and Scares the Puppyhood Right Out of Me and I Think I’m Going to Have To Go Into Therapy for This,” when my king did appear, scroll in hand, quest in mind.
“I need to gain remote access to the company,” he did say, his emerald green tights clinging lovingly to his manly and muscular thighs. “And I doth require thee to saddle my digital horse and procure me this entrance into the hallowed halls of the company. And low, should thee doesit this for thine Lord, there will be much celebrating and eating of noodles and kung-po chicken for thee.”
T’was all the prodding I needed.
And low, did I enter the cave where the vile and nefarious computer dragon lurked, it of the “Damn It! It just punted me off Skype! Brown!! BROWN!!! BBRRROOWWWWNNN!!!! Why won’t this work?!” Bearing the sacred scrolls of instruction, penned by the brave, virtuous, and noble Knight D**n, did I face the dragon in its binary eyes and wrap my hands around its plastic yet-kind-of-mousy tail.
Sweat dripping from my brow, I bore all the instructions from my King to bear: “Go to the website. Hook me up. Make me a short cut.”
But forsooth! The knave dragon was greater than I. And with a “You are not authorized to view this page The Web server you are attempting to reach has a list of IP addresses that are not allowed to access the Web site, and the IP address of your browsing computer is on this list,” did it fling me to the ground, breathe its hot, fanning, fetid, foul breath on my blistered skin and lay open the calluses on my fingertips.
With a sinking heart, but unwilling to surrender, did I read and re-read the scrolls, did I ask my king about “Are you sure it’s this website?” and did I battle and battle and battle some more. Yet, still, the dragon remained strong and unyielding.
And weary, sore, and tired of Googling for solutions, did I sheath my bloody sword and drag myself back to my office.
But low! On the horizon, an answer did come.
D***n of the Park* did email and say, “Send me screen shots of the messages you’re getting.”
And forsooth, I did.
Then the D***n did email again, saying, “Brown! Phone me! I know the problem.”
Sore muscled but scenting victory on the wind, did I race to the cave, dodging Remus of the “I can weave in between your legs—watch!” and Milo of the “I’m going to wait until you run down the stairs, then I’m going to TOSS my bone down and see if you can make it to the basement without breaking your neck!”
Connected to the The D***n through the dark arts of the magician Telus, did the knight council me and spake thus, saying, “Brown, didn’t Bushy give you the instructions?”
Heavy of heart did I confirm his question.
“He told you that he needed the remote desktop?”
Heavier of heart, did I confirm this.
“And when you did what I wrote, with ‘start’ and ‘accessories,’ it didn’t work?”
The import of his words hit, and I said, “I saw no such words. He told me I had to get to the website.”
Then did he say, “There is no website. Did he give you the hand written instructions?”
“The what?!” I did ask in a screeching voice reminiscent of tom cats fighting, and did begin to once more feel like Huckleberry Fin to my king’s Tom Sawyer. Once more did I see the great unpainted fence and hear the deep voice of He who gets me to do the most complicated and time-consuming tasks with the talent of a siren, He who mixes up instructions and terms, and then hovers over me like a vulture while I try to figure out why I can’t get the website to let me in, He who in typical CEO style has a vision then leaves me to figure out how to do it…
“Yeah, I took him through this and then wrote it out, “start” “accessories,” “remote desktop.”
“Yeah? Didn’t he show you them?”
Of course not for that would-hath maketh my life easy and uncomplicated, and then what would I have to post?
So, to recap. The 2.5 hours I spent trying to figure out why the instructions weren’t working was reduced to a FIVE second task once I knew I couldn’t use the internet. I’m now in the company’s IT guy’s record books for making him utter the words (when he saw the screen shots of what I was trying to do), “I’ve never seen anything like that, before.” And D***n, should he decide on a change of scenery work as a trouble shooter for computer users.
But I did get my Kung-Po chicken.
*Sherwood Park, seriously. It’s just a bit outside Edmonton