Just finished watching The Expendables, and I now have ten reasons I’d want to be a man in a traditional (as opposed to something like Rundown or Lara Croft:Tomb Raider) action movie:

  1. You can get blown up and the only injury is a scratch above your forehead.
  2. You have a cool hangout, complete with tattoo artist, beer, and bikes.
  3. You can disappear for months at a time, never phone your girlfriend, but that’s okay because you love her and she should know that.
  4. It’s okay if a woman points a gun at you. She’s secretly attracted to you and not only will you get the gun from her, but she won’t mind if you kiss her.
  5. Pithy one-liners.
  6. Even if you’re beaten to a pulp, you’ll still have enough manly strength to be the one who saves the day by a well-placed bomb or gunfire.
  7. The bad guys can never seriously wound you, but you’ll always manage to kill them.
  8. If you stay to arm the bomb or do some other act of self-sacrifice, a miracle will happen, and you’ll live (the bad guys in the building with you, however, will not be so lucky).
  9. If you’re the girl, you never know how to handle a gun, and even if you end up holding a gun, you never shoot it”it’s always wrenched from you hand.
  10. If you’re the girl, it doesn’t matter if you’re the leader of the rebel troop or have been waging war for years. When push comes to shove, you won’t be able to do anything but hold the hero’s hand and let him lead you to safety (ditto on the requisite violation-by-the-bad-guys scene.  You can’t save yourself. You’ll only be able to whimper and hope/pray the hero rescues you (which he will¦then probably, he’ll kiss you, because bombs and gunfire don’t matter when it comes to love)).